I have birthed (vaginally) six children. I’ve laboured six times. The sixth time I had gas. I’ve heard some people rave about gas but for me it kind of sucked. I sucked down on it anyway because what if it was actually WORSE without the gas but it still was craptabulous. Anyway, the first time I gave birth I was like, “OMG that was the most painful thing EVAH.” because truthfully prior to that the most painful thing I’d experienced was a grazed knee. Seriously, I never got period pain. I never had had a headache. I didn’t suffer from so much as a stomach cramp. I’d never even had chicken pox. So yeah, it hurt. But by the second time I was pretty effective at labouring. The third time was pretty damn easy despite a posterior (back ache) labour. Fourth time round there was more back ache. But the fifth time – when I birthed at home – it became obvious to me – who knows what MY labours and births feel like, that something in my own physiology had changed and my back hurt very very very bad. Towards the end it just felt like a vice like grip had me around the lower back. Because I had never experienced that before I panicked and made it worse. By the time I was pregnant with littlebird I knew two things – 1) that I would most likely have the same pain this time and 2) I was going to go to hospital and have an epidural at the very very first sign that I might go into labour. So convinced was I that I was getting that epidural that I asked the obstetrician the first time I saw him to write on my notes that I wanted it. I don’t want to try gas first. I don’t want to ‘wait and see’ or ‘give it an hour’. GIVE ME AN EPIDURAL. NOW.
I reiterated my wishes when I first presented for induction. And again at the start of the induction. And then at the shift change. But by the time the anaesthetist got there and set it up it was too late. I knew it was too late. In my heart of hearts I knew that I was at very least 8cms. I suspected 9cms. But I wanted that epidural so badly that I told myself no way. I was sure to only be 6cms. Surely. When they announced I was fully dilated I cried. The entire time I was pushing I turned to my husband and said to him, “Can you BELIEVE I’m doing this without and epidural AGAIN!?”
So yeah. I’ve done that six times.
So WHY is it that I every time I bikini wax I wish almost as fervently as I did that day for an epidural? I put off a bikini wax. I put it off until it’s so darn unruly that even I cannot stand it another second and then I nuke the wax in the microwave, shut the bathroom door and tackle it.
I like to sing to try to ‘distract’ myself.
It doesn’t work.
What it sounds like is this…
“I see a little silhouetto of a man, scaramouch, scaramouch-HOLYMOTHEROFGOD! OH MY GOD. HHHHHAAAA SHIT……will you do the fandango. Thunderbolts and lightning very very fright- AH FUCK! OH MY GOD! Gallileo, Gallileo,Gallileo, Gallileo, Gallileo Figaro – magnificooooooooowhy do I do this to myself.”
So I’m right at that stage where I’m gearing up to do some bathroom singing but haven’t quite got there yet. I’m taking a shower earlier on tonight and littlebird has accompanied me because we’ve spent the day walking around a Rail Museum and I’m too tired to do a bath for her. She is happily playing with the pumice stone and avoiding getting water in her eyes when she turns to me and points to my groin and exclaims, “EWWWW, YUCK!”
Confidence? Sky high.
You know now I am picturing you, and your scary vagina hopping around your bathroom singing a non sensored version of bohemian Rhapsody. Bahahahaha. You are hilarious! I love it! I too feel your pain, I had 2 natural drug free births, and decided the 3rd would be drug FULL! I asks for methadone and was told I wasn’t far enough along……I insisted, and she begrudgingly went to get it, only to come back, do another exam, and go Oh, you’re crowning, and squirt the pethadine in the Bin!!!! I really wish they would listen to us… after all, its OUR body! Have fun tidying your lady garden!
Hahaha, have fun with that visual!
I love the term “lady garden” much much better than the alternatives
bahahahahahahahahahhaha….that.is.all
Yeah, I don’t do wax any more. Too painful, too many ingrowns and I’m too weak (chicken?) to do it quick enough. Now I just use veet cream and a trim. MUCH easier, much less ouchy. Hehehe
Ugh. I hate WordPress. It’s Mandy btw
Hahaha, I knew it was you.
I seem to flare up all rashy from cream so I continue with the waxing and exfoliation for preventing ingrowns but oh how I wish it would just stop coming back!
Crazy stuff. I had 3 babies back in the dark ages, only 2 pregnancies. Twins help you cheat. I will not discuss above my knees nor below my waist, as that is the nether regions, the bad lands and rather unsightly as well. I certainly enjoy following the birds
Oh my you had me laughing!! I think we have all been there with little ones. Who doesn’t get a little lazy inbetween mows!
hahahah!!! LOVE IT!! WOW 6 times just on gas thats amazing!!
I have only waxed the ladybits once.. and never EVER again… oh that hair removal cream is so much easier ..
#teamIBOT was here
That sounds like me for my last 2 births, I’ve had just 3, and that’s enough. My first I opted for an epi early, and actually had a very pleasant and easy birth. My second I thought I’d give the whole drug-free thing a shot and was lashing about begging for an epi but sucked it up and did it naturally, I shudder now thinking of the pain. And more recently my 3rd I wanted another natural, just because I knew I had done it before… I nearly had him in the shower, I was sucking on gas (which does nothing but regulate my breathing) and as soon as I felt the need to p….. I yelled to the gang that my boy was ready to be born and he was, quickly!
And shit you just reminded me I’m due a wax, because my boys always look and go, umm what is that??? Thanks for sharing and sorry for my too much information!! Emily @ Have a laugh on me
OMG I’m dying of laughter – that was HILARIOUS!! I’ve never had the nerve to wax my lady bits. I just do the landing strip with a razor and leave it at that.
As for labour, my first was breech so I had a scheduled c-section at 41 weeks (they didn’t realize she had turned again), fortunately before I went into labour. When I was told I was having a c-section, I was so happy I could have cried. It was virtually painless. I had a scheduled c-section with my second as well (no interest in a VBAC here), so the only experience I’ve had with contractions was the miscarriage I had at 12 weeks in between the two c-sections. That was bad enough to assure me that I had definitely been lucky in skipping the whole labour and vaginal birth business. Not a popular view, but there it is.
Visiting from IBOT.
I tried the whole waxing thing a few times, never doing it myself though. You are like She-Woman there! Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely, great post
Bahaha Mel, you’re too awesome. Love your blog (: